Dennis Mahoney on…Why Melissas Are Better

(Originally published on UltimateTV.com in July 1998)

I have a friend named Melissa H., and let me just say this: she’s better than you. No offense, I’m sure you are wonderful, intelligent, good-looking and incredibly funny. But compared to Melissa H. you suck.

Recently Melissa H. contacted me after a long absence. We never had a falling out or anything, that’s just the way our friendship is. We see each other every couple of years, and speak on the phone almost as rarely. But whenever I do hear from her, I can feel my life improve.

Since this reconnection, I have realized that Melissa H. is not particularly different from other Melissas. They’re a separate breed. With the possible exception of Jennifers, Melissas are just better than anyone else.

I guess it all began, as most good things do, with “Little House on the Prairie.” This family classic (1974–83) featured a wonderful cast including that big lumberjack looking guy and tanned hippie, Michael Landon. More importantly, it featured two Melissas.

Blonde and blue-eyed Melissa Sue Anderson played eldest daughter Mary Ingalls, the town beauty. All the boys in Miss Beadle’s class had trouble keeping their eyes off of her golden locks, and for very good reason. Mary Ingalls was the first example of unattainable beauty in my young life, and her male classmates probably saw the same thing I did: someone who is completely and totally out of our league.

Closer to my league, though still a heavy hitter, was her sister Laura, played by Melissa Gilbert. Freckle-faced and buck-toothed, Melissa Gilbert was more approachable, and more age appropriate. It was easier to relate to her awkwardness than to her older sister’s sweet perfection.

As the years went by, I continued to be impressed by the Melissas I met. I also grew up watching Melissas on television.

One of my favorites debuted in September of 1987, when I was sixteen years old. “thirtysomething” delved into the angst-filled lives of Michael (Ken Olin) and Hope Steadman (Mel Harris) and their friends. One of these friends was Michael’s cousin Melissa, played by Melanie Mayron. Melissa was a mess, filled with insecurities about her looks, her life and her relationships. I fell immediately in love.

Melissa Steadman was a photographer, meaning she was artsy in a bohemian, liberated way (a big plus in my book). She had a shock of curly red hair, and her love life was often just as shocking (I apologize for that pathetic pun).

She was in love with her best friend Gary (Peter Horton), whose marriage to another woman and subsequent (though unrelated) death nearly destroyed her. Melissa’s other notable relationship was with the much younger (twentysomething) housepainter Lee (Corey Parker).

One of the most appealing things about Melissa Gilbert and Melissa Steadman was her abundance of freckles, a trait shared by redhead Melissa Leo. From 1993 to 1997 Leo played Detective Kay Howard on NBC’s acclaimed police drama “Homicide: Life on the Streets.” Kay Howard was a consummate professional, the only detective in the squad whose clearance record could match that of Pembleton (Andre Braugher).

For several years she dated ADA Ed Danvers (Zjelko Ivanek). After their breakup, they retained a solid working relationship, until Danvers’ fiancee was murdered and Howard drew the case. She looked past the jealousy she felt for the dead woman and offered Ed the comfort he needed. Then she busted the killer. She was able to ease his pain AND get the job done, proving again that Melissas are better.

Last but surely not least is today’s most popular Melissa, Melissa Joan Hart. She first came to attention with her Nickelodeon kidcom, “Clarissa Explains It All” (1991–1994), in which she played the title character, a lovable teen who deals with the everyday horrors of adolescence with a good deal of humor and even more sass. She can currently be seen in ABC’s “Sabrina the Teenage Witch,” in which she plays the title character, a lovable teen who deals with the everyday horrors of adolescence with a good deal of humor and even more sass. Oh, and witchcraft.

Hart has a charming combination of prettiness and goofiness that I find difficult to resist. Though she may look like a sixteen-year-old, she is actually twenty-two. And tell me, what’s more appealing than legal jailbait?

Every rule needs an exception, and the exception to the “Melissas are Better” rule is a doozy: Melissa Rivers. Melissa Rivers, daughter of Joan, is television’s most egregious example of nepotism run amok. What else could explain the fact that a thirty-year-old woman who looks like a fifty-year-old woman after way too much plastic surgery has seemingly taken over “E! Entertainment Television?” She has done nothing but sully her mother’s good name and the names of fine Melissa’s everywhere. Down with the Anti-Melissa!

Here’s a post-script on the Melissa H. tip. For the first time since I’ve known her, Melissa H. is single. Perhaps this, in combination with my recent realization of the importance of Melissas in the world, is a sign. Maybe I should make my move.

Then again, I am merely a Dennis. And surely a Dennis, though better than most, is not worthy of a Melissa.